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SCOTT STERLING.

DIVING FINALS, GUYS.

DIVING FINALS.

I’M IN A SPEEDO FOR YOU.

I SACRIFICED A LOT.

YEAH, THAT’S TRUE.

THAT’S HARD.

HEY, IT’S TRUE.

I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS-

I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS

SPORTS COMPILATION, GUYS.

CHECK IT OUT.

♪♪

WELCOME BACK TO THE

FIVE-METER DIVING NCAA

NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP.

OUR FINALISTS ARE BRYAN LANCE

AND JASON GRAY.

SHANNON, WHAT WILL THE

JUDGES BE LOOKING FOR?

PERFECTION, MATT.

WHEN YOU HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR,

EVERY MISTAKE WILL BE

PENALIZED BY THE JUDGES.

BRYAN IS GOING FIRST.

YOU CAN SEE THE MAGNITUDE OF

THIS MOMENT WEIGHING ON HIM.

BRIAN AND HIS COACH HAVE

BEEN WORKING ON THIS

DIVE FOR A LONG TIME.

I BELIEVE THE TWO OF THEM

HAVE BEEN TOGETHER

SINCE BRIAN WAS SIX.

UH, YES, BEFORE THAT,

BRIAN HAD A CHILDHOOD.

[SPLASH]

WELL, IT CERTAINLY

WASN’T PERFECT,

BUT NOT A TERRIBLE

WAY TO START.

YOU SEE HE DOES A GOOD

ATTEMPT AT A FRONT ARM

STAND SOMERSAULT,

BUT HE DIDN’T HOLD HIS

ARM STAND AS LONG

AS HE SHOULD HAVE.

AND NOT TO MENTION HE SPLASHED

ABOUT FIVE DROPS OF

WATER THERE, CRAIG

NOT GOING TO CUT IT.

AS EXPECTED, THE JUDGES

WERE NOT IMPRESSED.

DECENT,

BUT IS IT GOOD ENOUGH TO WIN?

AND HERE GOES JASON GRAY.

NOT THE FAVORITE BUT DEFINITELY

A STRONG CHALLENGER.

OH, AND THERE GOES THE TOWEL.

HE’S USED IT AS A GRENADE.

[SPLASH]

THAT WAS AMAZING.

THAT WAS LIKE WATCHING

AN ANGEL GLIDE INTO

A POOL OF COOL WHIP.

[CHEERS]

FANTASTIC SCORES, CRAIG.

BRYAN SEEMS TO BE CONFUSED

WITH HOW HE’S GOING TO

COMPETE WITH THE FLAWLESSNESS

THAT IS JASON GRAY.

WELL, THERE ARE STILL FIVE

DIVES TO GO THERE, CRAIG.

♪♪

[SPLASH]

BRIAN’S BACKWARD ROTATION.

I’VE SEEN BETTER.

JASON GRAY ATTEMPTING

THE CANNONBALL.

[SPLASH]

I HAVE NEVER SEEN BETTER!

[CHEERS] [SPLASH]

A LOT OF FLIPS.

A LOT OF FLIPS.

NOT ONE FOR VARIETY THERE.

NO.

OH, THE FLOATY!

I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT

USED SINCE ’86.

PERFECT CALL BACK.

HM.

[SIGH]

OH, THE PIRATE

WALKING THE PLANK!

BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES,

THIS HOWEVER BRINGS

YAWNS TO MY MOUTH.

INDEED.

WHAT DOES HE HAVE THIS TIME?

OH-OH!

HE’S ATTEMPTING THE WRIGGLE.

OH, WE ARE ALL WITNESSES!

[CHEERS]

FLAWLESS ENTRY.

WELL, THIS LAST DIVE IS JUST A

FORMALITY FOR JASON GRAY.

HE IS SO FAR AHEAD IN POINTS

HE CAN LITERALLY DO NO WRONG.

UNLESS HE TRIES A

BACK ONE AND A HALF

SOMERSAULT HALF TWIST

LIKE THAT FOOL BRYAN LANCE.

[LAUGHTER]

GOOD POINT,

BUT IS ANYONE THAT STUPID?

OH, UH-

SORRY TO CUT YOU OFF, CRAIG,

BUT WE HAVE JUST HEARD

THAT JASON GRAY IS GOING

TO ATTEMPT THE BELLY FLOP.

FROM THAT HEIGHT?

THAT’S SUICIDE.

YES IT IS.

BUT IF HE PULLS IT OFF,

HIS COLLEGIATE LEGACY

WILL BE COMPLETE.

I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN

WATCH THIS, SHANNON.

YOU HAVE TO, CRAIG.

YOU’RE COMMENTATING.

OH YEAH.

HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S

GOING THROUGH WITH IT.

SHAKING IT OFF.

OH, PERFECT APPROACH.

THE CROWD HOLDS THEIR BREATH.

[SPLASH]

IS HE ALIVE?

THE BELLY FLOP,

THE MOST RESPECTED AND

FEARED DIVE OF ALL TIME,

HAS TAKEN A NATIONAL TREASURE.

WAIT.

WAIT!

I SEE HIM MOVING!

HE’S ALIVE!

MICHAEL PHELPS, MOVE OVER,

THERE IS A NEW

KING OF THE POOL!

[CHEERING]

OH, MY BOTOX IS

ALMOST LETTING ME CRY!

[LAUGHTER]

THERE HE IS, JASON GRAY

THE NEW NCAA FIVE – METER

DIVING CHAMPION!

STAY TUNED FOR WOMEN’S BOWLING.

♪♪

DAD!

I’M BACK HERE, SON.

I GOT INTO A FIGHT AT SCHOOL.

WHAT?

I GOT INTO A FIGHT.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

THAT IS AWESOME!

DID YOU USE THE

MOVES I TAUGHT YOU?

I NEED A PLAY-BY-PLAY.

WELL, FIRST I STARTED

WITH THE BASIC CLOTHESLINE.

OH, GOOD CHOICE, GOOD CHOICE.

YEAH, I THOUGHT SO TOO,

BUT WHEN I REACHED HIS HEAD-

DID HE DUCK?

NO.

HE PUNCHED ME.

OH.

WELL, THAT’S ALL RIGHT.

DID YOU REACT THE

WAY I TAUGHT YOU TO?

YEAH, I FLAILED MY ARMS

AND STUMBLED BACKWARDS.

YEAH, ATTA BOY, ATTA BOY.

DID YOU MAKE ANY

DRAMATIC SOUNDS?

WELL, I WOULD HAVE,

BUT THAT’S WHEN I THREW UP.

FIRST FIGHT JITTERS, HUH?

WELL, NO, IT’S BECAUSE HE

PUNCHED ME IN THE STOMACH.

SON, THAT DOESN’T MEAN

YOU NEED TO THROW UP.

NO, DAD, I DIDN’T

DO IT ON PURPOSE.

HIS FIST MADE CONTACT.

LIKE PHYSICAL CONTACT?

YEAH, IT DIDN’T STOP.

IT JUST WENT RIGHT

INTO MY STOMACH.

OH, ROOKIE MISTAKES.

CLEARLY THIS KID DOES

NOT KNOW HOW TO FIGHT.

I KNOW.

THAT’S WHY I SAID, “HEY, WHO

“TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FIGHT?

YOU CALL THAT A PUNCH?”

YEAH, GOOD FOR YOU.

HE NEEDS TO LEARN

TO BE MORE CAREFUL.

YEAH, WELL, THAT JUST SEEMED

TO MAKE HIM MORE ANGRY.

IT’S ALL RIGHT.

IT’S IMPORTANT TO SHOW

ALL OF YOUR EMOTIONS.

NOW DID YOU MAKE AN

ANGRY FACE IN RESPONSE?

I DID, BUT HIS SEEMED

MORE REAL THAN MINE.

WELL, LET ME SEE

YOUR ANGRY FACE.

I DON’T KNOW,

THAT’S PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH, WELL, HIS WAS BETTER.

ANYWAY, THAT’S WHEN

HE CHARGED AT ME.

OH MAN, THIS IS EXCITING!

YEAH, I TRIED TO ANTICIPATE

WHAT MOVE HE WAS GOING TO DO,

YOU KNOW, SO THAT I

COULD HELP HIM DO IT.

RIGHT.

WHAT MOVE DID HE USE?

A PUNCH AGAIN.

MAN, THIS KID IS

NOT ONE FOR VARIETY.

I KNOW, AND THE THING IS

HE’S NOT EVEN GOOD AT IT.

HIS FIST HIT ME AGAIN,

RIGHT IN THE FACE.

OKAY, WHO WAS

REFFING THIS THING?

NO ONE.

NO REFEREE, AND HE’S

MAKING PHYSICAL CONTACT?

WHAT KIND OF FIGHT IS THIS?

NOW I GOT THIS

STUPID BLACK EYE.

JUST LIKE THE TIME YOUR

SISTER PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE.

POOR GIRL HAS NO CONTROL.

THAT’S WHY I SAID,

“YOU HIT LIKE MY SISTER!”

YEAH?

WHAT DID HE SAY TO THAT?

NOTHING, HE JUST STARED

AT ME LIKE HE WAS CONFUSED.

AT LEAST, I THINK THAT’S

WHAT HE WAS DOING.

IT WAS HARD TO SEE

THROUGH THE TEARS.

THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, I THOUGHT, “I’M GOING

TO SHOW HIM HOW IT’S DONE,”

AND I SAID,

“THIS IS HOW YOU PUNCH!”

AND I HIT HIM THREE TIMES IN THE

FACE AND ONCE IN THE CHEST,

BUT HE HARDLY REACTED AT ALL.

WHAT?

DID YOU PUNCH HIM THE

WAY I TAUGHT YOU TO?

YEAH, I MADE BIG

SWINGING MOTIONS,

MADE SURE TO HIT MY FOOT ON

THE GROUND AT THE SAME TIME,

BUT HE DIDN’T MOVE AT ALL.

WELL, THAT’S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE.

HE DID PUNCH ME AGAIN.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

WHO IS THIS KID’S FATHER?

I’M CALLING HIM RIGHT NOW.

IT WAS JIMMY THOMAS.

UH, IT WAS FRANK THOMAS’S SON.

OH, I KNOW FRANK THOMAS.

BETTER STAND BACK, SON.

THIS ISN’T GOING TO BE PRETTY.

FRANK THOMAS!

I HEARD WHAT YOUR SON

DID TO MY BOY TODAY,

AND I’M HOLDING YOU

PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE.

AND WHEN I FIND YOU,

I’M GOING TO TEACH YOU

THE MEANING OF PAIN!

YOU’RE GOING TO BE IN A HOSPITAL

BED FOR A YEAR EATING ALL YOUR

MEALS THROUGH A PLASTIC TUBE.

WHOO!

[GRUNTS]

WHOO!

I HOPE THAT GOT THROUGH.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

HEY, MY DAD MADE ME RUN

OVER HERE AS FAST AS I COULD TO

APOLOGIZE FOR BEATING YOU UP.

I’M REALLY SORRY.

IT’S OKAY, SON.

YOU JUST NEED TO LEARN

TO BE MORE CAREFUL.

IF YOU’RE GOING TO FIGHT,

YOU GOT TO DO IT PROPERLY

OR SOMEONE MIGHT GET HURT.

HEY!

I CAN PROMISE YOU, BROTHER,

THAT’LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

JIMMY, LET’S TAKE A RIDE.

WELCOME BACK TO OUR COVERAGE

OF THE GAME OF THE YEAR BETWEEN

YALE AND NORTH CAROLINA.

IF YOU’RE JUST JOINING US,

WE HAVE JUST WITNESSED AN

UNBELIEVABLY WELL-FOUGHT

MATCH TONIGHT.

IT HAS COME DOWN

TO PENALTY KICKS.

PETERSEN FOR YALE TAKING

THE FIRST APPROACH.

OH!

THERE IT IS!

SPECTACULAR!

NORTH CAROLINA’S

GOALKEEPER, RICHINS,

JUST LET ONE IN PAST HIM NOW,

SO NOW THE BURDEN RESTS

ON YALE’S SCOTT STERLING.

HERE HE COMES.

NERVES OF STEEL,

THAT MAN.

DEALING WITH MORE PRESSURE

NOW THAN A SUBMARINE.

INDEED.

HOME CROWD SHOWING

SOME APPRECIATION.

JOHNSON PLACES THE BALL

ON THE SPOT, GETTING READY.

THAT MAN LITERALLY HAS

A CANNON FOR A LEG.

YES, HE DOES.

HERE HE GOES,

WINDING UP FOR THE SHOT,

AND- OH!

THE CANNON HAS FIRED AND HIT

STERLING DIRECTLY TO THE FACE!

WE CLOCKED THAT AT A STUNNING

116 KILOMETERS PER HOUR.

NOW THAT’S A LOT

OF MILES PER HOUR!

LITTLE CHANCE THAT MAN’S

NOSE IS NOT BROKEN RIGHT NOW.

OH, INDEED.

NOW STERLING GETTING

CHECKED OUT FOR THAT ONE.

SPECTACULAR SAVE, THOUGH,

BUT SADLY, HE’S NOT

OUT OF THE WOODS YET.

ON HIS FEET NOW, A BIT SHAKEN-

BUT NOT STIRRED.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

THIS CROWD ABSOLUTELY

LOVES THIS MAN.

AND STERLING’S TEAMMATES

WELCOME HIM BACK A HERO FOR NOW.

YALE’S UP AGAIN FOR

THE SECOND ATTEMPT,

LOOKING TO MAKE IT TWO – NIL.

HE APPROACHES THE BALL

WITH SOME DETERMINATION.

HERE HE GOES- OH!

OH, IT’S HIGH AND WIDE!

WAY OFF-TARGET!

YES, APPARENTLY HE THOUGHT

HE WAS KICKING A FIELD GOAL.

[LAUGHS]

WRONG KIND OF FOOTBALL,

I’D SAY.

GOOD SHOW.

BACK NOW TO SCOTT STERLING.

HE LOOKS A BIT WORSE FOR WEAR,

BUT READY FOR ROUND TWO.

AND SHAW TAKES A MOMENT.

HERE HE GOES WITH THE APPROACH!

OH!

STERLING WITH

A FANTASTIC DIVE!

THE BALL FLIES STRAIGHT THROUGH

HIS HANDS AND ONCE AGAIN STRIKES

HIM STRAIGHT IN THE SCHNOZ.

AND LET’S SEE IT AGAIN ON

THE OLD INSTANT REPLAY!

OH!

EVERY EXCRUCIATING DETAIL

CAPTURED IN H.D. PERFECTION.

CLOCKED AT 129

KILOMETERS PER HOUR.

YEAH, YOU’RE ALL RIGHT.

STERLING DOES NOT LOOK WELL.

TWO WONDERFUL SAVES AND

TWO DEFINITE CONCUSSIONS.

THEY MAY REPLACE

HIM AT THIS POINT.

HE’S DONE ALL HE CAN.

YES, AS HIS TRAINER TAKES HIM

OFF THE FIELD LIKE A MUSTACHED

LION DRAGGING A GAZELLE

THROUGH THE SERENGETI.

ADIEU, SCOTT STERLING.

ADIEU.

YALE NOW WITH THE THIRD P.K.

RICHINS IS IN THE GOAL,

BOUNCING LIKE AN INFANT GIRL.

THE CROWD HOLDS THEIR

BREATH AS HE GOES IN.

HERE IT COMES!

OH!

VERY ANTICLIMACTIC!

LET’S SEE WHO THEY

GOT TO REPLACE-

SCOTT STERLING IS BACK!

HE’S STILL IN THE GAME!

OH MY!

AND HE’S TAKING A

VERY ODD TACTIC NOW.

SEEMS TO BE CURLING

UP TO PROTECT HIS FACE.

NOT EXACTLY A

RECOMMENDED TECHNIQUE,

BUT HERE IT-

WAIT, NO, NO, LAMBERT

NEEDS TO TIE HIS SHOE.

AND THAT’S WHY YOU DO

A DOUBLE KNOT, KIDS.

STERLING STILL WAITING

FOR THE KICK TO HAPPEN.

HE’S PROBABLY WONDERING WHEN-

OH!

SWEET BUTTER CRUMPETS!

MY GOODNESS!

THE BALL GOT STERLING

RIGHT IN THE FACE.

THAT MAN’S NOSE MUST BE

ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED!

HE’S GOING TO LOOK LIKE A

WITCH THAT FLEW HER BROOM

INTO HER NOSE AND THEN

CRASHED INTO A HAMMER!

I HARDLY EVEN CARE

ABOUT THIS ATTEMPT.

LET’S GO BACK TO

[TOGETHER] SCOTT STERLING!

THE MAN!

THE MYTH!

THE LEGEND!

THREE PERFECT BLOCKS

BY STERLING AND HIS

CATLIKE FACE REFLEXES.

ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE,

THOUGH I MUST SAY STERLING

DOES NOT LOOK WELL AT ALL.

WELL, YOU KNOW FOOTBALL

PLAYERS LIKE TO ADD A BIT

OF DRAMA, DON’T THEY?

THEY’RE GOING TO TAKE HIM OUT.

NO, WAIT!

THEY BROUGHT HIM A CHAIR!

OH, A BOLD MOVE

BY THE MANAGER!

BAIN SETS UP FOR

THE FOURTH ATTEMPT-

AND THIS, FRANKLY, IS A GIMME.

HE LITERALLY JUST HAS TO

KICK IT ANYWHERE EXCEPT

WHERE STERLING IS SITTING.

THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY

THAT NORTH CAROLINA CAN

MESS UP THIS SHOT.

[BOTH] OH!

158 KILOMETERS PER HOUR!

THIS MAN CAN DO NO WRONG!

LOOK AT HIM BEG FOR MERCY

WHEN IT’S MERCY THAT SHOULD

BE BEGGING FOR HIM!

HE HAS LOOKED DEATH IN THE EYE

AND SAID, “TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT,”

TO WHICH DEATH REPLIES

BY PUNCHING HIM IN THE

FACE OVER AND OVER AND

OVER AGAIN.

IF YALE MAKES THIS FINAL SHOT,

IT’S ALL OVER,

BUT NO!

OH!

HE MISSES,

WHICH MEANS WE’RE GOING TO-

[BOTH] SCOTT STERLING!

HIS FACE IS LIKE A BRICK WALL!

A BRICK WALL THAT CAN

FEEL PAIN AND CRIES A LOT!

BUT WHERE’S STERLING!

HE SEEMS TO BE CRAWLING

AWAY FROM THE GOAL!

WHAT IS HE DOING?

HE’S THROWING AWAY THE MATCH!

OH!

[SCREAMS]

STERLING HAS DONE

THE IMPOSSIBLE!

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

LOOK AT THAT!

HE PLAYED IT JUST RIGHT!

WHAT INCREDIBLE INSTINCTS

TO CRAWL AWAY FROM THE

GOAL LIKE THAT!

AND HIS TEAMMATES

RUSH THE FIELD,

HAPPY AS A LARK

AS THEY SLIDE IN!

A BERNINI SCULPTURE

OF A FINISH!

AS HIS TEAMMATES CARRY HIM

OFF ON THE STRETCHER OF GLORY,

WE THANK YOU FOR

SHARING THIS ABSOLUTELY

HEART-STOPPING FINISH.

SCOTT STERLING AND HIS FACE

OF STEEL HAVE WON IT ALL.

OH, HONEY, ISN’T THIS NICE?

I WAS AFRAID WE’D NEVER GO

ANOTHER ROMANTIC RETREAT AFTER

LAST YEAR’S HOT TUB FIASCO.

NO!

YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULD

NEVER USE THAT WORD!

YOU’RE RIGHT.

I’M SORRY.

LAST YEAR’S HEATED

VESSEL FIASCO,

BUT SERIOUSLY SO FAR

THIS TRIP AS BEEN PERFECT.

WHY WOULD YOU

JINX US LIKE THAT?

QUICK, KNOCK ON SOME WOOD!

NO!

IT’S METAL!

COME ON!

BABE!

BABE!

CALM DOWN, OKAY?

THIS RESORT IS THE EXACT

OPPOSITE OF LAST YEAR’S RETREAT,

OKAY?

SO JUST TAKE A DEEP BREATHE OF

FRESH MOUNTAIN AIR AND RELAX.

[SIGHS]

BETTER?

BETTER.

SORRY, I GUESS I’M NOT OVER LAST

YEAR’S POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS.

OW.

MY POOR BABY!

COME HERE.

JUST REMAIN CALM.

GOOD.

YOU’RE DOING IT-

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

IT’S- OKAY, OKAY,

JUST CALM DOWN, BABE!

CALM DOWN, OKAY?

HE’S PROBABLY JUST

LIKE LAST YEAR, OKAY?

I’M SURE HE’S STILL ALIVE.

OKAY.

SIR?

SIR?

CAN YOU-

OKAY…

SHAKE HIM.

SHAKE HIM.

OKAY, OKAY.

SIR?

WAKE UP, SIR!

SIR!

OKAY, OKAY.

YOU WAKE UP, SIR.

WAKE UP, SIR!

WAKE UP!

WHOA.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

OKAY!

HE WASN’T DEAD BEFORE…

OKAY, BABE.

WE’LL JUST-

WE’LL GO TO THE END OF THE

LIFT AND WE’LL TELL THEM

EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

THEY’LL BELIEVE US.

HE GOT ON THE CHAIR ALIVE

AND THEN GOT OFF DEAD.

WHAT WOULD YOU ASSUME?

PEOPLE RANDOMLY

DIE ALL THE TIME.

YOU ARE PRACTICALLY HOLDING

UP THE MURDER WEAPON!

OKAY, WELL,

WHAT ARE YOU PROPOSE WE DO?

WE PUSH HIM OFF.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

YOU GOT ANY BETTER IDEAS,

O.J.?

FINE, OKAY,

BUT JUST DO IT QUICKLY.

ME?

YOU’RE THE ONE SITTING

RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.

I’VE GOT ENOUGH

BLOOD ON MY HANDS.

[SIGHS] FINE.

JUST-

SWITCH ME.

PUSH HIM BACK.

OH MY.

OKAY.

SWITCH.

OKAY.

WHAT?

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

READY?

ON THREE.

OKAY.

ONE, TWO-

WELL HOWDY THERE, STRANGERS!

WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF

SEEING YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS?

OH, IT’S THEM.

OF COURSE IT’S THEM!

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT’S BEEN

AN ENTIRE YEAR SINCE THAT

HILARIOUS HOT TUB INCIDENT?

[FAKE LAUGHTER]

WHO’S THIS FELLOW WITH YOU?

HE’S UH-

OUR SON!

THAT’S FUNNY,

I COULD HAVE SWORN YOU

SAID YOU HAD A 3-YEAR OLD.

YEAH.

STEROIDS.

OH!

[LAUGHTER]

HOW YOU DOING LITTLE MAN?

YOU HAVING FUN ON THE SLOPES?

CAN HE NOT TALK?

YEAH, HE CAN.

IT’S NOT LIKE HE’S DEAD.

HE’S-

HE’S-

HE’S RUSSIAN.

‘ELLO GOVERNOR!

YOU MUST BE FRIENDS

WITH ME MOM AND DAD!

THAT’S NOT RUSSIAN.

I CAN’T DO A RUSSIAN ACCENT.

YOU KNOW THIS.

THAT’S AN INTERESTING LITTLE

ACCENT YOU GOT THERE, SON.

OH, THAT’S BIG TALK COMING

FROM AN UNEDUCATED HICK!

LET ME GUESS,

YOU TWO MET AT A FAMILY REUNION!

WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN!

BECAUSE RUSSIANS ARE MEAN!

YOU GOING TO LET HIM

TALK TO ME THAT WAY, HANK?

AS WE SAY IN TEXAS

WHEN YOU WRESTLE WITH A

PIG YOU BOTH GET DIRTY.

GOOD DAY TO YOU.

HUMPH.

ALL RIGHT,

HERE’S OUR CHANCE, READY?

OKAY, ONE, TWO-

[SCREAMS]

I WAS SLEEPING!

[SCREAMS]

HE- HE’S GOING TO BE FINE.

RUSSIANS ARE TOUGH.

OKAY, I PICK JAMES.

OKAY, WE WANT JEREMY.

YEAH.

ADAM.

YEAH.

NICE.

OH GREAT.

SHAWN’S HERE.

HEY, SORRY I’M LATE, GUYS.

I’M SORRY, MAN.

IT’S COOL.

OF COURSE, WE’RE GOING

TO WANT STEPHEN.

ALL RIGHT.

WE GOT STUCK WITH

SHAWN LAST TIME.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

COME ON, GUYS.

I PROMISE I’LL TRY

REALLY HARD THIS TIME.

I PROMISE.

OKAY, SHAWN, JUST TRY

NOT TO EMBARRASS US, OKAY?

YEAH.

DON’T GET NEAR THE

HOOP OR THE BALL.

JUST MAYBE YOU CAN PLAY

POINT GUARD OR SOMETHING.

HEY SHAWN.

IF YOU NEED A LITTLE

EXTRA EDGE ON THE COURT,

YOU SHOULD TRY SOME OF THESE.

OH, I DON’T KNOW MAN.

POOF.

WHO ARE YOU?

I AM YOUR SHOULDER-

GOOD HEAVENS!

I JUST CAME TO SEE IF

YOU NEEDED SOME HELP BUT

CLEARLY YOU HAVE EVERYTHING

COVERED, SO, UH…

ACTUALLY, NO.

I THINK I COULD

USE YOUR HELP.

IT’S LIKE SOMEONE PUT A

PAIR OF PANTS ON A LADDER.

OKAY SHAWN,

ALLOW ME TO JUST-

OKAY.

THE AIR IS SO MUCH

THINNER UP HERE.

SHAWN.

JUST SAY NO.

NO THANKS, STEPHEN.

VERY GOOD, SHAWN.

I’M PROUD OF YOU.

I WOULD USUALLY JUMP

DOWN AT THIS POINT,

BUT I DON’T WANT

TO BREAK MY SPINE.

WOULD YOU MIND

IF I JUST SLOWLY…?

OH MAN, HERE COMES YOUR MOM.

THERE YOU ARE, YOUNG MAN.

I HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK.

SHAWN, I DON’T DESERVE THIS,

I, THE WOMAN WHO SPENT

36 HOURS IN LABOR BRINGING

ALL OF YOU INTO THIS WORLD.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU’RE NOT ABOUT TO GO

AND PLAY BASKETBALL AGAIN,

ARE YOU?

SHAWN, WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS.

YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON YOUR

EDUCATION SO YOU CAN TAKE

OVER YOUR FATHER’S BUSINESS

OF TEST DRIVING SMART CARS.

WHY ARE YOU DRESSED THIS WAY?

I WOULDN’T TELL

THE TRUTH, MAN.

OH, YOU WILL PAY

FOR THIS, STEPHEN.

GIVE ME YOUR BODY.

A LITTLE CLOSER.

SO UH,

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

DON’T LIE.

OKAY.

MOM, LOOK, I WAS GOING

TO PLAY BASKETBALL.

I REALLY LIKE IT.

FINE.

BUT WHEN YOU GROW UP

AND GET A REAL JOB,

YOU’LL WISH YOU HADN’T SPENT

SO MUCH TIME PLAYING GAMES.

ALSO, I DON’T WANT

YOU HANGING OUT WITH

STEPHEN ANYMORE.

HE GAVE ME SOME PILLS FOR

A HEADACHE LAST WEEK.

AND THEY WORKED,

BUT I HAVEN’T SLEPT

IN 6 DAYS, SO…

JUST SOMETHING

TO THINK ABOUT.

OKAY.

WHILE I’M UP HERE.

IS THERE ANY OTHER MORAL

DILEMMA I CAN HELP YOU WITH?

BECAUSE SERIOUSLY.

I’M NOT CLIMBING BACK UP

HERE FOR AT LEAST A MONTH.

I THINK I’M GOOD.

THANKS FOR YOUR HELP, MAN.

HEY SHAWN, HAVE YOU EVER

VANDALIZED A BUILDING?

NO!

[SCREAMING]

WELCOME BACK TO THE WORLD

FENCING CHAMPIONSHIP HERE

IN BEAUTIFUL PARIS, FRANCE.

WE ARE DOWN TO THE

FINAL CONTENDERS,

PIERRE DE DUEX AND

BARTELLEMEO PALLADINO.

IF YOU’RE JUST JOINING US,

WE HAVE SEEN AN UNBELIEVABLE

DISPLAY OF FENCING PROWESS

TONIGHT WITH BOTH MEN TIED

IN THE POINTS.

LET’S JOIN THEM NOW

FOR THEIR FINAL BOUT.

PIERRE LOOKING TO STRIKE EARLY.

OH, AND IT’S OVER!

PIERRE DE DUEX HAS WON IT ALL,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

LET’S PLAY THAT BACK

IN SLOW MOTION.

BARTELLEMEO ADVANCES,

PIERRE BACKING UP,

AND NOW COMES THE CROSS,

AND YES, SPARKS.

YOU OFTEN DON’T SEE THOSE

WITH THE NAKED EYE,

BUT THANK GOODNESS FOR

SLOW MOTION TECHNOLOGY.

BOTH SABERS NOW LOCKED,

AND PIERRE THROWS

BARTELLEMEO ASIDE,

AND WHAT’S THIS?

YES, HE IS REMOVING HIS

REGALIA AND TOSSING HIS

MANE OF HAIR LIKE A LION.

NOT TO BE OUTDONE,

BARTELLEMEO RESPONDS

IN LIKE MANNER.

OH, AND SOME VERY NICE

FLAIR RIGHT THERE.

YOU HAVE TO LOVE BARTELLEMEO.

PIERRE NOW BACKS UP,

SIDESTEPS A BARREL,

ROLLS IT FORWARD,

BARTELLEMEO STOPS IT,

AND YES, YOU PROBABLY

MISSED THIS BECAUSE IT

HAPPENED SO FAST,

BUT A BANQUET HALL WAS

SET UP DURING THE BOUT.

PIERRE NOW ON TOP OF THE TABLE,

FENCING AROUND THE BANQUETERS.

BARTELLEMEO UPSET ABOUT

THE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE,

LUNGES, OH!

AND THERE’S SOME

COLLATERAL DAMAGE.

HE DOES APPEAR TO BE A

MINOR CHARACTER, THOUGH,

SO NO HARM, NO FOUL.

PIERRE NOW JUMPS OVER

THE SWORD OF BARTELLEMEO,

VERY NICE,

AND NOW HE SWINGS IN RETURN.

BARTELLEMEO GRABS A WOMAN,

NOT A MOVE YOU SEE

TOO OFTEN ANYMORE,

BUT STILL VERY EFFECTIVE.

PIERRE JUMPING OFF THE TABLE

WITH A VERY NICE SPIN.

PIERRE NOW ADVANCES,

FENCING AROUND THE WOMAN.

BARTELLEMEO SPINS AND

RECOMPOSES HIMSELF,

AND OH, WHAT’S THIS?

YES, YES, IT’S A FOOT STOMP,

THE ONLY RECOURSE THAT

DAMSELS IN DISTRESS HAVE

TO DEFEND THEMSELVES.

SHE FALLS INTO-

OKAY, THAT SEEMS A

LITTLE GRATUITOUS,

BUT SHE ENJOYS IT,

SO THERE IT IS.

BARTELLEMEO, NOW ENRAGED,

COMES SWINGING AT PIERRE

WHO CASUALLY DEFENDS

HIS PERSON WITH A

CLASSIC MOVE KNOWN AS

THE “I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO

“LOOK AT YOU, AND TO PROVE

IT, I’LL HAVE A DRINK” DEFENSE.

VERY IMPRESSIVE.

BARTELLEMEO, THOUGH,

DOES NOT LOOK PLEASED,

AND HE WINDS UP FOR A SPIN.

SPINNING, OF COURSE,

IS TACTICAL SUICIDE,

BUT IT’S WORTH RISKING

DEATH BECAUSE OF HOW

COOL IT MAKES YOU LOOK.

BARTELLEMEO COMES OUT OF THE

SPIN WITH A CRUSHING SWING,

BLOCKED BY PIERRE.

PIERRE NOW SPINNING IN RETURN,

BARTELLEMEO JUST WATCHES,

AND WHAT IS HE DOING?

YES, YES, HE DOES IT!

A CLASSIC MOVE.

HE SLICED THE CANDLES

CLEAN IN HALF.

AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE.

PIERRE NOW MOVING FORWARD.

OH, BARTELLEMEO CALLING

IN FOR SUPPORT.

HIS CRONIES COME

RUSHING FORWARD.

PIERRE IS IN TROUBLE.

HE’S TACKLED TO THE

GROUND AND DOGPILED,

AND NO, NO,

HE GETS UP AND ALL GO FLYING

BACKWARDS AS IS CUSTOMARY.

PIERRE NOW DUELING

THREE MEN AT ONCE.

CAN HE BE EVEN MORE OF A

MAN THAN HE IS RIGHT NOW?

PUNCH TO THE FACE,

VERY UNFORTUNATE FOR THAT CRONY,

THAT MAN BACKED INTO A WALL,

AND NOW ALL THREE MEN

FOOLISHLY STRIKE AT THE

EXACT SAME TIME AND PLACE.

PIERRE THROWS THEM

ASIDE WITH SEEMING

EASE DESPITE THE

OBJECTIONS FROM

THE LAWS OF PHYSICS.

OH, BARTELLEMEO NOW BOWING AND

OFFERING HIS SWORD IN SURRENDER.

VERY CLEVER-

NO, HE HAS A HIDDEN KNIFE.

HE SLASHED PIERRE

ACROSS THE HAND,

AND NOW HE’S TAUNTING PIERRE,

POSSIBLY BY TELLING HIM THAT

HE KILLED HIS FATHER YEARS AGO.

VERY NICE DISPLAY OF CLASSIC

VILLAINY BY BARTELLEMEO,

WHO NOW SEEMS TO BE HAVING

TROUBLE WITH A CERTAIN MOVE

LIFTING A SWORD WITH HIS FOOT.

HE IS CLEARLY NOT

PREPARED FOR THIS.

I THINK THIS MOVE MIGHT BE

OUT OF HIS WHEELHOUSE.

HE’S TRYING-

THERE IT IS!

BARTELLEMEO NOW

BACK IN FULL SWING.

HE ADVANCES ON PIERRE

WHO THROWS HIM ASIDE.

PIERRE NOW HAS AN OPPORTUNITY

TO GRAB HIS SWORD.

HE COMES CHARGING

BACK AT BARTELLEMEO.

BOTH MEN NOW FIGHTING LIKE LIONS

OVER THE LAST PIECE OF ZEBRA.

PUSHING HIM BACKWARDS,

PIERRE ADVANCES,

AND NOW YES!

THERE IT IS.

THE STRIKE.

THE POINT IS AWARDED

TO PIERRE DE DUEX.

BOTH MEN SHAKE HANDS FOR

A FIGHT WELL-FOUGHT.

I DON’T THINK WE’VE SEEN

THE LAST OF THESE TWO.

THANKS FOR JOINING US.

WE’LL SEE YOU ALL NEXT YEAR.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, PLAYERS,

GATHER UP, GATHER UP.

NOW THE TEAM WE’RE

PLAYING TODAY IS BRUTAL,

LIKE PHYSICALLY BRUTAL.

LIKE ONE OF THEIR PLAYERS

ACTIVELY PUTS KIDS

IN THE HOSPITAL.

BUT WE CAN STILL WIN THIS,

AM I RIGHT?

[TOGETHER] YEAH!

I’M SCARED.

OKAY, NOW HERE’S THE PLAN.

WHERE’S MY CLIPBOARD?

UM…

ANYBODY SEEN MY CLIPBOARD?

YEAH, COACH.

JIMBO, WHY DO YOU

HAVE MY CLIPBOARD?

GOING OVER THE PLAN, COACH.

WE’RE GOING TO WIN.

GOOD CLIPBOARD PLAN.

THANK YOU.

NOW- WHAT IS THIS?

WE’RE THE DRAGONS, COACH.

‘CAUSE WE BURN UP THE ENEMIES.

GO DRAGONS.

WE’RE NOT THE DRAGONS.

WE’RE THE SUNS.

OH, BECAUSE SUNS

BURN THINGS TOO.

NO…

UNLESS THEY HAVE

A REALLY HIGH SPF.

OKAY, LOOK, JUST DON’T

DRAW ON THIS ANYMORE.

ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, COACH.

OKAY.

GO SUNS ON THREE.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

[TOGETHER] GO SUNS!

GO DRAGONS!

JIMBO.

YEAH, COACH.

GAME’S ABOUT TO START.

OKAY, COACH.

NO, JIMBO, JIMBO, JIMBO!

SIT DOWN.

YEAH, COACH.

GUYS, I WANT ANTHONY IN

THE MIDDLE FOR THE JUMP.

YEAH, GOOD ONE, COACH.

OKAY, HUSTLE DOWN.

FOLLOW THEM DOWN!

FOLLOW THEM DOWN LIKE

YOU’RE FOLLOWING YOUR

SPEECH THERAPIST ON TWITTER!

OH, COME ON, REF.

WHAT WAS THAT?

YEAH, REF.

COACH SAYS YOU’RE AN IDIOT.

NO, NO, I DIDN’T.

SIT DOWN, JIMBO.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

OKAY, LET’S SEE.

READY, COACH.

TEN-HUT, ALL ABOARD.

PETER, GET IN THERE FOR AARON.

OH, PETER.

THAT’S WHAT I WAS

THINKING TOO, COACH.

DON’T LET HIM PAST YOU.

YEAH, PUSH HIM DOWN

IF YOU HAVE TO.

NO, DON’T DO THAT.

BRIAN, EYE ON THE BALL!

PUT YOUR EYE ON THE BALL AND

YOUR MEDS UP ON THE FRIDGE!

OH, COME ON, REF.

HOW WAS THAT NOT A FOUL?

YEAH, COME ON,

WHAT THE HECK, REF?

COACH SAID HE’LL BURN

YOUR HOUSE DOWN.

NOPE, NOPE, DID NOT SAY THAT.

SIT DOWN NOW.

PUT ME IN, COACH.

NOT YET.

BRIAN, NEAL, GET IN THERE.

GO GET ‘EM, GUYS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT

ME TO DO, COACH?

JUST HELP THE INJURED PLAYERS.

WHATEVER YOU SAY, COACH.

YOU SAY DUMP, I SAY LOOK

AT MY LIGHT-UP SHOES.

DOES THIS HURT?

OW!

WE’RE GOING TO HAVE

TO LOSE THE LEG, COACH!

JIMBO!

YEAH, COACH?

DON’T TOUCH THE

INJURED PLAYERS.

BUT YOU SAID-

I KNOW WHAT I SAID.

I CHANGED MY MIND.

WHAT DO YOU WANT

ME TO DO, COACH?

JUST GIVE ME A

DRINK OR SOMETHING.

WHATEVER YOU SAY, COACH.

YOU SAY JUMP, I SAY

GOOD GAME, COACH!

JIMBO!

I NEED YOU TO STOP!

COACH NEEDS TO STOP.

HE WET HIMSELF.

SIT DOWN!

[MUFFLED THUD]

COME ON, REF!

HE JUST TOOK OUT

OUR STAR PLAYER!

GIVE ME A BREAK, REF!

COACH SWEARS HE’LL

STAB YOUR DOG!

SIT DOWN!

DON’T WORRY, COACH.

I TOOK OUT THE GUY WHO KEEPS

HURTING ALL OUR PLAYERS.

GOOD.

NOW WE HAVE A CHANCE.

WE JUST HAVE TO REPLACE

ANTHONY ON THE COURT.

YEAH, COACH.

NOT YOU, JIMBO.

I’M THE LAST ONE, COACH.

SERIOUSLY?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

FINE?

I CAN PLAY?

I WILL MAKE YOU PROUD, COACH.

JIMBO, LISTEN TO ME.

YOU MISS 100 PERCENT OF

THE SHOTS YOU DON’T TAKE.

NO, DON’T TAKE ANY SHOTS.

TEAMWORK MAKES

THE DREAM WORK.

NO.

WELL, YES.

IT’S OKAY TO FAIL AS

LONG AS YOU KEEP ON TRYING

AND YOUR PARENTS HAVE

REALLY GOOD INSURANCE.

LISTEN!

I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING.

YEAH, COACH?

TECHNICALLY, I HAVE

TO HAVE FIVE PEOPLE,

SO I NEED YOU OUT THERE.

OKAY, COACH!

BUT NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

YOU SEE THAT SPOT OVER THERE?

UNDER THE BLEACHERS?

YEAH.

I WANT YOU TO STAND RIGHT THERE.

AND DEFEND THE BLEACHERS?

YES.

DEFEND THE BLEACHERS.

OKAY, COACH.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NOT ENOUGH TO LOSE.

GOOD ONE, COACH.

OKAY.

OKAY, GUYS!

COACH SAYS PASS IT

TO ME EVERY TIME!

WE ARE GETTING DOMINATED

OUT THERE, GENTLEMEN.

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?

UH, THEY’RE TALLER THAN US!

AND STRONGER.

AND THEY PLAY DIRTY, COACH.

WELL THEN WE NEED TO STOP

PLAYING PRETTY-BOY BASKETBALL.

WE GOT TO DIG

DEEP AND PLAY UGLY.

YOU NEED SOMEONE

TO PLAY UGLY COACH,

THEN I’M YOUR MAN.

YEAH.

OH.

NOW, I MEANT BE

MORE AGGRESSIVE,

NOT LITERALLY PLAY UGLY.

BESIDES, I’M NOT THROWING

THE WATER BOY IN FOR

THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIP.

[SOUNDS OF AGREEMENT]

IMAGINE THEIR STAR PLAYER

TRYING TO HIT A FOUL SHOT WITH

ME NEXT TO HIM DOING THIS.

[GRUNTING]

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT MAN!

CUT IT OUT!

THAT’S DISGUSTING.

WAIT, LET HIM FINISH.

THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK.

BUT HE REEKS, COACH.

HOW LONG HAS HE

WORN THAT JERSEY?

SINCE I WAS FOUR.

THEY SAY THE BEST DEFENSE

IS A GOOD OFFENSE.

[SOUNDS OF DISGUST]

I THINK I’M GOING BLIND.

HAVE YOU EVEN PLAYED

BASKETBALL BEFORE?

RELAX COACH.

I’M A NATURAL.

I GOT ATHLETE’S BODY.

OKAY, NO WAY.

YOU ARE THE MOST OUT OF

SHAPE MAN I’VE EVER SEEN.

I SAID ATHLETE’S

NOT ATHLETIC.

IT HAPPENED WHEN MY

UNTREATED ATHLETE’S FOOT

SPREAD LIKE A FOREST FIRE.

FEEL THE BURN.

THAT’S THE MOST DISGUSTING

THING I’VE EVER HEARD,

BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT NO

ONE WILL DARE DEFEND YOU.

WHAT’S YOUR NAME, SON?

[SCREAMS]

THAT’S YOUR NAME?

I THINK SO.

AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT MY MOMMA

CALLED ME WHEN I WAS BORN.

[BUZZING]

YOU KNOW WHAT COACH?

THAT’S HALF-TIME.

WE SHOULD GET BACK OUT THERE.

WAIT, BEFORE YOU GO.

DRINK YOUR GATORADE.

YOU’RE GOING TO WANT

THOSE ELECTROLYTES.

OH.

OH GROSS!

WHAT FLAVOR OF

GATORADE IS THIS?

DID I SAY GATORADE?

I MEANT GATOR-APE.

IT’S THE LEFT OVER CARNAGE OF

WHEN A GATOR FOUGHT AN APE.

[SOUNDS OF DISGUST]

OKAY, COACH THIS

GUY IS OUT OF CONTROL.

YEAH, IF HE PLAYS,

THEN WE QUIT.

SERIOUSLY.

YEAH.

YOU GOT THIS?

DO UGLY KIDS LIKE CAKE?

DO THEY?

OF COURSE THEY DO!

EVERYBODY LIKES CAKE.

WELL UNFORTUNATELY WE

NEED AT LEAST TWO PLAYERS

ON THE COURT OR WE FORFEIT.

AND YOU ARE?

THEY CALL ME HOTSHOT.

CAN I HELP YOU, MA’AM?

UH, YEAH, I’M LOOKING

FOR A NEW SWEATER.

OKAY, PERFECT.

WE HAVE A GREAT MATERNITY

SECTION OVER THERE.

IT’S PERFECT FOR PREGNANT–

HOW DARE YOU

ASSUME I’M PREGNANT!

I DIDN’T SAY PREGNANT!

I SAID, PRESENT!

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU,

CONGRATULATIONS!

YOU JUST WON THIS COUPON FOR…

WEIGHT LOSS.

WHY DO I EVEN HAVE THIS?

[SLAP]

WELCOME BACK, EVERYONE,

TO MATT CENTER,

YOUR SOURCE FOR

MATT MEESE FAILURES.

TELL ME, MATT,

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT

YOUR PERFORMANCE TONIGHT?

UM, NOT GOOD.

HOLD ON,

DO I REALLY HAVE A CHANNEL

DEDICATED TO MY FAILURES?

OF COURSE NOT.

OKAY GOOD.

I WAS WORRIED.

YOU HAVE TWO CHANNELS.

SPANISH MATT CENTER

IS VERY POPULAR.

BIENVENIDO AL

CENTRO DE MATTEO,

SU FUENTE PARA

CADA FALLA DE MATTEO.

SO MATT, HOW DOES IT

FEEL TO ONCE AGAIN STICK

YOUR FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH?

IN MY DEFENSE,

SHE WAS DECEPTIVELY

NOT PREGNANT.

LET’S BRING IN OUR FORMER

FAIL COACH AND CURRENT

MATT CENTER ANALYST

TO SEE IF HE AGREES.

COACH HARKEY,

IS THIS MATT’S FAULT?

OF COURSE IT WAS!

LET ME BREAK IT DOWN

ON INSTANT REPLAY.

NOW RIGHT HERE

HE NOTICES THE BELLY,

BUT IT’S LIKE I ALWAYS

TELL MY PLAYERS,

NO MATTER HOW BIG THE WOMB,

YOU NEVER ASSUME!

BUT SHE HAD THE DISTINCT

SHAPE OF A PREGNANT WOMAN!

WHAT IF SHE SWALLOWED

A BASKETBALL?

OR WHAT IF THERE’S AN ALIEN

TRAPPED INSIDE HER BODY

AND PARASITICALLY FEEDING

ON HER LIFE FORCES?

HOW STUPID ARE YOU GOING TO

FEEL WHEN EXTRA TERRESTRIAL POPS

OUT OF HER BODY AND THREATENS

THE PRESIDENTS OF THE AMERICAS?

WHAT ARE WE TALKING

ABOUT RIGHT NOW?

OKAY, WE ARE RECEIVING

BREAKING NEWS THAT AN EPIC

SALE HAS JUST BEEN MADE BY

MATT’S RIVAL CO-WORKER,

DERRICK GREEN!

DERRICK GREEN?

QUE BUENO.

HOW WERE YOU ABLE TO

MAKE THAT SALE TONIGHT?

I JUST LEFT IT ALL OUT

ON THE SHOE AISLE, MAN.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

WHY ARE YOU

INTERVIEWING DERRICK?

NO ONE CARES ABOUT DERRICK.

IS IT TRUE YOU WERE

DRAFTED BY JC PENNY RIGHT

OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL?

YEAH I WAS.

YOU KNOW,

I CONSIDERED GOING TO COLLEGE

BUT THEY OFFERED ME $8.25

AN HOUR PLUS COMMISSION.

CLEARLY,

YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE.

CLEARLY,

EVERYONE HERE IS AN IDIOT.

DERRICK, YOU’VE BEEN

HOT ALL DECEMBER.

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?

CHRISTMAS.

MAN, I OWE EVERYTHING

TO CHRISTMAS.

LA NAVIDAD, QUE BUENO!

AND HOW HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE

TO OVERCOME ADVERSITY?

YOU KNOW A LOT OF

PEOPLE COUNTED US OUT,

BEFORE THE HOLIDAY

SEASON STARTED,

BUT MY SALES TEAM

HAS A LOT OF PRIDE,

AND IT JUST GOES TO

SHOW WE FOR THE GREATEST

CUSTOMERS IN THE WORLD.

WITHOUT THEM WE WOULDN’T

BE HERE RIGHT NOW.

OH GIVE ME A BREAK!

HE’S JUST USING A

BUNCH OF DUMB

DEPARTMENT STORE CLICHéS,

WHICH I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW

THAT WAS A THING UNTIL NOW.

AND WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO

ANY KIDS OUT THERE WATCHING?

YEAH.

ANY SALE IS POSSIBLE!

HE GETS A TROPHY TOO NOW?

COME ON!

WHAT IS THAT?

FORGET THIS,

I DON’T NEED ANY OF YOU,

JUST TAKE MY WALLET.

POWER!

THAT’S DEFINITELY MAKING

THE TOP 10 FAILS TONIGHT.

EL TOP DIEZ, QUE BUENO!

♪♪

P90X IS THE BEST HOME

WORKOUT SYSTEM EVER.

YOU’RE GOING TO BE BURNING

CALORIES, WORKING MUSCLES

YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU HAD,

OR WANTED.

YOU’RE GOING TO BE MOVING

UP, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT.

YOU MIGHT EVEN GIVE BIRTH.

I DON’T KNOW, IT’S HAPPENED.

YOU’RE GOING TO WANT TO DIE,

BUT YOU’LL THANK ME

WHEN WE’RE DONE.

THE THING IS,

YOU’VE GOT TO BRING IT.

EVERY TIME.

DON’T SAY, “I CAN’T.”

SAY, “I PRESENTLY AM

INCOMPETENT AT THIS THING.”

THE X STANDS FOR EXTREME.

YOU’VE GOT TO BRING IT.

P STANDS FOR PAIN.

EXTREME PAIN.

BY THE END OF 90 DAYS,

YOU’RE GOING TO LOOK LIKE A

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON.

YOU MIGHT CHANGE GENDERS.

P90X.

I HATE IT, BUT I LOVE IT.

[APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT, P90X FANS,

LET’S GET STARTED RIGHT

AWAY WITH A WARMUP!

[CHEERING]

GET OUR HANDS UP,

GET THOSE LEGS PUMPING,

GET THAT BLOOD FLOWING,

I’M GOING TO INTRODUCE

YOU TO THE CREW HERE.

THIS IS JEREMY.

HE’S A P90X GRADUATE,

HE’S AN ANIMAL.

OVER HERE IS MALLORY,

ALSO A P90X GRAD,

GOING TO BE SHOWING US

SOME MODIFIED MOVES TODAY.

ALL RIGHT.

GOOD WARMUP,

LET’S GET THINGS STARTED

RIGHT AWAY WITH MARY

KATHERINE LUNGES.

I’M GOING TO GET SIDEWAYS

SO YOU CAN SEE ME.

HERE WE GO IN FIVE,

FOUR, THREE, TWO,

AND ONE AND TWO–

DON’T GET AHEAD OF ME–

THREE AND FOUR.

NOW MALLORY’S SHOWING

YOU MODIFIED,

IF THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE AT,

THAT’S FINE.

JUST DO YOUR BEST,

FORGET THE REST.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD JOB.

LET’S MOVE ON NOW TO CHAIR DIPS.

GET YOUR CHAIRS OUT AT HOME.

THERE ARE A COUPLE

WAYS TO DO THIS,

ONCE WE GET STARTED,

I WILL EXPLAIN.

I’M DONE TALKING,

HERE WE GO.

FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO,

AND ONE AND TWO AND THREE.

AND OKAY, LET’S MAKE IT X-LIKE,

LET’S RAISE A LEG.

MALLORY, SHOW THEM MODIFIED.

THERE IT IS.

DON’T BE A HERO AND LET

YOUR EGO GET IN THE WAY.

BUT JEREMY AND I ARE SHOWING

YOU HOW IT’S DONE.

HE’S CALM ON THE SURFACE,

BUT THERE’S A STORM UNDERNEATH.

OKAY, GOOD JOB, LET’S MOVE

ON TO CLAPPING PUSHUPS,

OR PLIYO PUSHUPS.

THESE ARE HARD,

SO SET A GOAL IN YOUR MIND,

DO AS MANY AS YOU

CAN WITH GOOD FORM.

HERE WE GO.

FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO,

AND ONE AND TWO AND THREE.

THIS IS THE TIME TO BRING IT.

P90X.

WHAT ARE YOU MADE OF?

WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS?

MALLORY IS SHOWING

YOU MODIFIED.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD JOB,

LET’S MOVE ON NOW

TO PLYOMETRICS.

THIS IS THE X IN P90X.

I’M GOING TO GET SIDEWAYS

SO YOU CAN SEE ME.

HERE WE GO.

FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO,

AND ONE AND TWO.

WE SPIN ON THE FOURTH ONE.

HERE IT COMES,

THERE IT IS.

TIP OF THE DAY,

THINK LIKE A CAT.

LAND ON YOUR TOES, ALL RIGHT?

SOFT LANDINGS.

MALLORY’S SHOWING

YOU MODIFIED.

I KNOW YOUR THIGHS

ARE BURNING,

THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO.

OKAY, GOOD JOB.

LET’S TAKE THINGS DOWN A

NOTCH WITH SOME YOGA X.

I’M GOING TO GET SIDEWAYS

SO YOU CAN SEE ME.

DOWN INTO PLANK POSITION,

CHATURANGA,

GET THE HEAD

OUT OF THE SHELL.

MALLORY,

AGAIN SHOWING YOU MODIFIED.

INTO RUNNER’S STANCE,

UP TO WARRIOR ONE,

WARRIOR TWO,

REVERSE WARRIOR.

NOW REACH UNDER YOUR HAND,

UNDER YOUR THIGH,

GRAB YOUR HAND WITH

YOUR OTHER HAND.

WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS DOES,

BUT IT HURTS.

ALL RIGHT, IF THAT’S YOUR

LAST WORKOUT FOR THE DAY,

GOOD TIME FOR A RECOVERY DRINK.

WE’LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME.

♪♪

WELCOME BACK TO OUR COVERAGE

OF THE NCAA MEN’S VOLLEYBALL

CHAMPIONSHIPS BETWEEN

YALE AND NORTH CAROLINA.

IF YOU’RE JUST JOINING US,

IT HAS BEEN A

ROLLERCOASTER OF AN EVENING.

BOTH TEAMS NOW TIED

AT TWO SETS APIECE.

THE WINNER OF THIS FINAL SET

WILL BE THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONS.

NORTH CAROLINA LEADING BY ONE.

YALE AND THEIR TEAM

CAPTAIN SCOTT STERLING-

LOVE THAT MAN!

DON’T WE ALL?

TRYING DESPERATELY TO HOLD

THEM HERE OR IT’S ALL OVER.

MATCH POINT FOR THE TAR HEELS,

JONES IS PREPARING FOR

WHAT MAY BE THE LAST SERVE

OF HIS COLLEGE CAREER.

AND HERE WE GO!

EXCELLENT SERVE.

SINCE SETTING UP,

HERE COMES THE SPIKE.

YALE HAS TO STOP

THIS RETURN OR-

OH, DEFLECTED RIGHT TO

SCOTT STERLING’S FACE!

AND YALE TIES IT UP!

UNBELIEVABLE.

BUCKLE UP,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

BECAUSE SCOTT STERLING’S FACE

HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING.

TAKE A GANDER AT THIS REPLAY.

THE ANGLE AT WHICH STERLING

DEFLECTS THE BALL OFF HIS SKULL

IS NOTHING SHORT OF PERFECTION.

LIKE WATCHING DA VINCI

PAINT WITH HIS FACE.

YALE NOW ON THE

PROWL TO TAKE THE LEAD.

AND CAROLINA SETTING UP WHAT

IS BOUND TO BE A DEVASTATING

RETURN AND HERE IT COMES-

OH!

STERLING MAKES ANOTHER

TREMENDOUS SAVE!

AND NORTH CAROLINA’S

WASTING NO-

MOTHER OF PEARL!

OH!

STERLING SCORES!

WELCOME TO THE HEAVY WEIGHT

BOUT BETWEEN STERLING’S

FACE AND EVERYTHING ELSE!

HE LOOKS AS THOUGH

HE COULD BE PRAYING.

THE PEACEFUL VISAGE

OF HEAD TRAUMA.

WE ARE ALL WITNESSING-

TESTIFY!

LET US FEAST ON THE SWEET

NECTAR OF INSTANT REPLAY.

WONDERFUL SAVE HERE.

JUST COMPLETE SACRIFICE.

THE BALL FLIES RIGHT

PAST THE BLOCKERS INTO

STERLING’S AWAITING FACE,

BACK OVER THE NET,

AND THEN RIGHT BACK

TO STERLING’S FACE LIKE

AN OBESE HONING PIGEON.

THAT MAN WILL LEAVE THIS COURT

TODAY KNOWING HE GAVE EVERYTHING

HE COULD IF HE LEAVES IT ALL.

THE CROWD IS

NOW ON THEIR FEET.

LIKE MYTHICAL ATLAS

WHO BORE THE WEIGHT OF

THE WORLD UPON HIS BACK,

SO TOO HAS SCOTT STERLING

BORE THIS TEAM UPON HIS FACE.

YALE HAS COME BACK FROM THE

BRINK AND IS LOOKING TO PUT THIS

ONE INTO THE HISTORY BOOKS.

MATCH POINT FOR YALE!

CAN CAROLINA FINALLY

PUSH ONE THROUGH?

STERLING BOUNCE STERLING.

DID I SEE THAT?

HERE COMES A SPIKE

STRAIGHT TO THE MAN.

THE MYTH!

THE LEGEND!

HIS TEAMMATES HELP

HIM TO HIS FEET.

NO!

THEY RAISE HIM HEAVENWARD.

[SCREAMING]

HE DID IT!

HE DID IT!

SCOTT STERLING,

HE DESCENDED THROUGH THE

AIR LIKE A DEFENSIVE ANGEL!

AN ANGEL WITH

A FACE OF A DEVIL!

LOOK AT THIS REPLAY!

ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER.

TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE!

THREE TIMES A LADY!

FOREVER YOUNG!

AS THE CROWD

CHARGES THE COURT,

THE PEOPLE ARE WEEPING.

TEARS OF JOY.

THE TWEETS ARE TWEETING.

HASHTAG #SCOTTSTERLING.

THE HOSPITALS ARE PREPARING

TO RECEIVE THE MAN HIMSELF.

THE EIGHTH WONDER

OF THE WORLD.

THE GREAT WALL OF STERLING.

I’LL TELL YOU ONE THING,

WHEN ARMAGEDDON COMES,

I WANT TO BE IN A BUNKER

MADE OF THAT MAN’S FACE.

UNTIL NEXT TIME,

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE.

HOW MANY MORE MILES?

22.5.

WHAT?

WE’VE ONLY GONE FOUR MILES?

A LITTLE LESS.

OH!

MARATHONS ARE LONG.

MATT?

DO YOU MIND IF I GO MY OWN

PACE THE REST OF THE RACE?

OH, AM I SLOWING YOU DOWN?

WELL…

I MEAN…

OH NO,

IT’S FINE!

IT’S FINE!

MEN ARE CLASSICALLY GREAT

AT BEING BEATEN BY WOMEN.

SO THAT’S NICE.

JUST WANT A GOOD TIME,

YOU KNOW?

WE HAD TO STOP BOTH OF THOSE

TIMES FOR YOU TO THROW UP.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO

REMIND ME, WOMAN.

JUST GO.

FINE.

IF YOU’RE GOING TO

BE A JERK ABOUT IT.

WHATEVER,

LOSING TO YOU DOESN’T

MATTER ANYWAY,

‘CAUSE YOU’RE LIKE A

GIANT AMAZON WOMAN.

QUEEN KONG!

I’M DOING GREAT.

I HAVEN’T BEEN PASSED BY ANY

OTHER WOMEN THUS FAR SO–

YEP.

SHAKE IT OFF.

SHAKE IT OFF.

YOU’RE STILL FIT AND FAST, MATT.

YOU’VE TRAINED FOR THIS.

HEY THERE, SONNY!

WOW.

SIR, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

I’M 91 AND I HAVEN’T

RUN A DAY IN MY LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

AWESOME.

NO, YEAH, THAT’S AWESOME.

WHAT AN INSPIRATION.

WHAT?

NO, MA’AM,

SHOULD YOU IN YOUR CONDITION–

WHAT?

[CRYING BABY]

♪♪AT?

AGUA?

POR FAVOR.

DINERO?

NO.

ADIOS.

WHAT?

WAIT!

HOW’S IT GOING?

OH MAN.

TOO MANY TACOS.

AM I EVEN MOVING?

EXCUSE ME, KIND SIR.

WHAT?

NO!

AH!

WHOA!

[LAUGHTER]

I GUESS I’LL BE SEEING

YOU IN THE NEXT LIFE, SIR.

OH WAIT, I’M GOING TO HEAVEN.

YAY!

[GROANING]

OH!

ZOMBIE!

OH, SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!

OF COURSE.

YOU HAVE GOT TO STAY PUMPED.

NOW I GOT MY SPECIAL PLAYLIST

I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU THAT

I GIVE ALL MY CLIENTS.

MOSTLY A LOT OF ENYA ON HERE.

AND SOME SAVAGE GARDEN,

AND SOME CREED,

BUT DON’T START WITH THE

CREED BECAUSE YOU CANNOT

GO ANY HIGHER.

YOU START WITH THE CREED.

SO YOU GOT TO

WORK YOUR WAY UP.

♪♪ YOU GOT TO

FOCUS ON YOUR LOWER BACK.

THERE SHOULD BE A BIG POP.

DON’T WEAR SHOES.

ALL RIGHT,

NOW TAKE THEM OFF.

TAKE THEM OFF.

TIME TO GET OUR PROTEIN ON.

YOU GOT SOME REALLY BIG GLUTS.

THE CAVE MEN DIDN’T HAVE SHOES.

THEY USED THEIR BARE FEET.

SO SKIPPING BREAKFAST IS FINE,

AS LONG AS YOU EAT A LOT

OF RED MEAT AT LUNCH.

YOU WANT TO PACK

IN THAT RED MEAT.

SHOVE IT IN.

YOU’RE REALLY GOOD

AT THIS FOR A GIRL.

OH, HERE.

I GOT YOU.

IT’S IMPORTANT TO

STAY HYDRATED.

SO YOU A PEPSI OR

COKE KIND OF GUY?

OKAY.

COME ON DUDE.

I GOT YOU.

I LIKE THE TOENAILS.

WE GOT THIS.

LET’S WORK AS A TEAM.

AND NOW WE WAIT

FOR FIVE MINUTES,

AND IF WE DON’T THROW UP,

WE CAN WORK OUT.

SQUAT MAN,

COME ON.

USE THE BACK.

IN THE MEAN TIME,

YOU SHOULD READ THIS PAMPHLET

ON SALMONELLA POISONING.

PUSH IT UP.

OKAY.

OKAY,

WE’LL START THIS AGAIN ONCE

YOU’VE REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS.

♪♪

LISTENING TO ENYA BACK THERE?

GOOD.

GOOD.

THEN T-DOG GOT STRAIGHT

UP OWNED BY THAT LINEBACKER.

HE WAS MORE LIKE T-PUPPY.

[LAUGHS]

OH, MAN.

THAT’S COLD.

THAT’S COLD LIKE…

OH!

HE COULDN’T THINK

OF ANYTHING TO SAY.

HASHTAG FAIL!

[LAUGHS]

MAN!

YOU WOULDN’T KNOW FAILURE

IF IT HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD.

WAIT.

ARE YOU SAYING

I’VE NEVER FAILED?

YEAH.

IT’S LIKE YOU’RE ALL

SUCCESSFUL AND STUFF.

WHAT?

YOU AIN’T NEVER FAILED,

MAN.

YOU’RE ALL LIKE,

“OH, I’M GOING TO

“TRY THIS NEW THING.

“OH, GOT IT RIGHT

“THE FIRST TIME.

“GUESS I WON’T LEARN

ABOUT PERSEVERANCE.”

ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL

BAD FOR HOW GOOD I AM AT THINGS?

YEAH, MAN!

YOU ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK FOR IT

‘CAUSE YOU’RE NATURALLY GIFTED.

YOUR TALENTS HAVE ENFEEBLED YOU.

SOUNDS LIKE THEY

JUST MADE ME AWESOME.

YEAH, MAN.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD

JUST ADMIT THAT UH,

YOU KNOW,

YOU DIDN’T MEAN TO

SAY THAT THING ABOUT

FAILURE AND LIKE MOVE ON-

NO!

I MEANT WHAT I SAID!

HE’S NEVER BEEN TOUCHED

BY FAILURE’S REFINING FIRE!

HE’S MISSED OUT ON

CHARACTER GROWTH.

HOW’S HE SUPPOSED TO

RELATE TO PEOPLE, MAN?

LIFE IS HARD!

I FAIL EVERY DANG DAY!

I’M FAILING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE

MY GRAMMAR BE ALL, INCORRECT.

FAILURES MAKING MY FUTURE

BRIGHT LIKE THE SUN.

HEY, MY SUCCESS JUST

BRINGS ME CONFIDENCE, BRO.

HOW’S THAT A BAD THING?

YEAH, I’LL TELL YOU WHY IT’S

BAD BECAUSE ONE DAY YOU’RE GOING

TO FAIL FOR THE FIRST TIME,

IT’S GOING TO CRUSH YOU

LIKE A SODA CAN, MAN!

YOU’RE GOING TO BE LIKE-

“WHAT IS THIS FEELING?

“I DON’T LIKE IT!

“TRYING IS HARD!

I QUIT.”

MAYBE I’LL NEVER FAIL!

OH YEAH,

THERE’S A GOOD LIFE GOAL.

I’M SURE THAT’LL SERVE YOU REAL

WELL WHEN YOU GET TO COLLEGE.

I JUST WON’T TAKE

CLASSES I CAN’T HANDLE.

OH, SO TO AVOID FAILURE YOU’LL

AVOID PERSONAL GROWTH?

OH!

THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!

THAT’S WHAT’S GOING

TO HAPPEN THOUGH.

THE FEAR OF FAILURE WILL

CONSTIPATE YOUR DREAMS!

THE MOST INTERESTING PART OF

YOUR LIFE HAS ALREADY HAPPENED.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND

WHY THIS IS MAKING SENSE.

YEAH, MAN!

I’M PRETTY SURE YOU

LOST THIS ONE, MAN!

NO I-

I FAILED!

I DIDN’T WIN!

YEAH!

I WON!

NO!

♪♪

YEAH, YEAH.

HEY, GUYS!

WATCH THIS!

♪♪

OH MY GOSH, SHAUN.

YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN?

I THINK MY LEG’S BROKEN.

[FAINT CRACK]

YEAH, IT’S BROKEN.

OKAY, IT’S BROKEN.

UH, OKAY.

UH, WE’RE CALLING AN AMBULANCE.

YOU STAY DOWN THERE, OKAY?

WE’LL COME TO YOU.

DON’T WORRY!

I’LL HELP HIM.

WATCH THIS.

♪♪

[CRACK] [BOTH SCREAMING]

OH, DUDE!

DUDE!

OH, DUDE.

MY LEG!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DUDE!

YOUR LEG!

OH…

OKAY, I…

[BOTH GROANING]

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

HIS LEG’S BROKEN TOO.

I KNOW, I MEANT IN MORE

OF AN “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT”

KIND OF WAY.

HOW- HOW BAD IS IT?

IT CAN DO THIS,

IF THAT’S ANY INDICA-

[LEG CRACKS]

OH MY!

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

WE’RE GOING TO FIND SOMEBODY-

HEY, I JUST GOT A

CALL ABOUT AN INJURY?

YES, HE’S- THERE’S TWO

OF THEM DOWN THERE NOW.

OH, OW!

HEY, WATCH THIS.

♪♪

[JASON HOWLS]

♪♪

[LAUGHS]

I’M OKAY!

WHOA.

OOF!

OH!

OH.

I GOT AN E.M.T DOWN

AND TWO OTHERS.

I’M GOING TO NEED SOME BACKUP

AT TWO PINES SKATE PARK.

OVER.

HEY, WATCH THIS.

♪♪

[THROWS UP]

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I JUST DON’T

DO WELL WITH BLOOD.

YOU’RE AN E.M.T.

I- [GROANS FAINTLY] [ALL TOGETHER]

WE’RE HERE TO HELP!

WATCH THIS.

♪♪

OKAY.

♪♪

OH!

THIS IS THE WORST

POSSIBLE TURN OF EVENTS!

SHAUN, ARE YOU OKAY?

NOT REALLY.

[ANGELS SINGING]

HEY GUYS,

WATCH THIS!

♪♪

[BOOM]

OH!

OH, MAN.

WE SHOULD-

YEAH, MAYBE WE SHOULD GO.

SO I HAD A REALLY

GOOD TIME TONIGHT.

YEAH, YEAH, YOU DID.

SO…

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOTHING.

I DROPPED SOMETHING

ON THE GROUND.

THERE’S NOTHING IN YOUR HAND.

MAGIC.

WERE YOU TRYING TO KISS ME?

NO, NO, I WAS TRYING TO SEE

IF IT WAS GOING TO RAIN LATER.

MY LIPS ARE REALLY SENSITIVE,

SO THAT’S…

I’M GOING TO GO INSIDE.

YEAH, OKAY, YOU’D BETTER.

THERE’S A STORM COMING,

SO THANK GOODNESS NO

ONE ELSE SAW THAT.

♪♪

WELCOME BACK, EVERYONE,

TO MATT CENTER.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

I’M HERE WITH MATT,

WHO’S ONCE AGAIN BEEN REJECTED.

TELL ME, MATT, HOW DO YOU FEEL?

YOU GUYS AGAIN?

WHY DO YOU KEEP FOLLOWING ME?

‘CAUSE YOU JUST GOT

SLAM DUMPED, SON.

NO, NO, THAT IS NOT TRUE.

SHE SAID TONIGHT WAS

NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS

SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

THAT’S BECAUSE SHE HAD

INSANELY LOW EXPECTATIONS,

RICKY NUGGET.

LOOK AT WHAT SHE- LOOK, LOOK.

LOOK AT WHAT SHE WROTE ON

HER TWITTERBOOK STATUS RIGHT

BEFORE YOU PICKED HER UP.

“GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD.”

COACH HARKEY,

WHY DON’T YOU WALKS US THROUGH

MATT’S PERFORMANCE TONIGHT,

PLAY BY PLAY?

NO, THAT’S NOT-

I’D LOVE TO, ALL RIGHT?

NOW LOOK HERE,

JONATHAN BON JOVI,

YOUR FIRST PROBLEM

WERE YOUR PITS.

UH-HUH.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY PITS?

YOU USED AXE BODY SPRAY.

THAT’S A COLOGNE

INVENTED BY WOMEN

TO MORE EFFECTIVELY

IDENTIFY MEN THAT

THEY SHOULD AVOID.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

LA CUCARACHA!

OKAY, FINE, I CAN JUST

SWITCH TO OLD SPICE.

NO, NO, NO, HAMBONE.

YOU CAN BATHE IN OLD SPICE,

BUT IT AIN’T GONNA FIX

YOUR REAL PROBLEM.

NOW LOOK AT YOUR TECHNIQUE,

JUST LOOK

AT IT RIGHT THERE, ALL RIGHT?

I’VE SEEN A DEMENTOR APPROACH A

KISS WITH MORE SWAG THAN THAT.

YOU LOOK LIKE A DAGNABBED

DEHYDRATED GERBIL TRYING TO

DRINK FROM ONE OF THOSE WATER

SIPPY CUP THINGAMAMBABAROOS.

LOOK AT YOU, YOU’RE

SCARING THE POOR GIRL.

SHE WOULDN’T KISS YOU IF

YOUR LIPS WERE WATER AND

HER FACE WAS ON FIRE.

OKAY, I- I ADMIT I HAD

AN OFF NIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

BUT SO DOES EVERYONE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WE’VE JUST RECEIVED A REPORT

THAT DEREK GREEN HAS ONCE AGAIN

HAD A PERFECT DOORSTEP TONIGHT.

COME ON!

DEREK VERDE.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

DEREK, WHAT WERE THE KEYS

TO YOUR VICTORY TONIGHT?

WELL, YOU KNOW,

I JUST HAD A VERY EFFECTIVE

OFFENSIVE STRATEGY,

AND IT PAID OFF TONIGHT.

MIDWAY THROUGH THE DATE,

SHE SEEMED TO LOSE INTEREST.

HOW DID YOU REGAIN THE MOMENTUM?

WELL, I KNEW SHE WAS COMING

OFF A DIFFICULT BREAKUP,

SO I JUST HAD TO BE

READY FOR THE REBOUND.

DO YOU SEE A RELATIONSHIP

COMING OUT OF THIS?

WELL, UH, I DON’T REALLY WANT

TO TALK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW.

I’M JUST HAPPY THAT I LEFT HERE

WITH A SOLID KISS TONIGHT.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO

THOSE WHO WOULD ACCUSE

YOU OF LEADING WOMEN ON?

HATE THE GAME,

NOT THE PLAYER.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

OH BOO, BOO TO YOU,

DEREK GREEN!

YOU KNOW, I MAY NOT KISS A

DIFFERENT GIRL EVERY NIGHT,

BUT WHEN I DO KISS,

IT MEANS SOMETHING SPECIAL,

OKAY?

IF YOU COULD SEE A HIGHLIGHT

REEL OF MY KISSES,

IT WOULD BLOW YOUR MIND.

ALL RIGHT,

LET’S ROLL THE TOP FIVE.

WHAT?

♪♪

TOP FIVE?

EL TOP CINCO?

I THOUGHT IT WAS TOP TEN.

SI, EL TOP DIEZ.

WE HAD TO ADJUST DUE TO

LACK OF SOURCE MATERIAL.

HEY, HEY!

IT’S ABOUT-

IT’S NOT ABOUT QUANTITY.

IT’S ABOUT QUALITY.

OKAY, OKAY.

COMING IN AT NUMBER FIVE,

WE’VE GOT MATT WATCHING

THE CHANNEL SEVEN NEWS.

NO, NO, NO, NO!

THAT IS BAD FOR THE TV, SON.

IT’S GOING TO REALLY

HURT YOUR RESALE VALUE.

IT’LL HURT YOUR WHOLE VALUE.

AT NUMBER FOUR,

THE CLASSIC BEAUTY AND-

OH, LAST MINUTE SWAT AWAY.

OH NO!

AIN’T NOBODY AT THE

CARNIVAL RIGHT NOW!

YOU’RE BEING A PIPPIN WHEN

YOU SHOULD BE A JORDAN.

SHE CAN’T SHAKE THAT ONE OFF.

NOT WORTH IT.

JIM HOWARD COULDN’T SAVE THAT.

NUMBER THREE-

OH HEY, MATT.

HEY.

WANT A KISS?

OH, SHE OFFERS!

I GUESS WE WERE WRONG.

AND HE ACCEPTS!

OH, THAT’S THE ONLY SUGAR

HE’S GOING TO BE GETTING TODAY!

INDEED.

TWO KISSES FOILED THERE.

NUMBER TWO- OH!

OKAY.

OH!

AGAIN WITH THE KISSING BOOTH.

OKAY, FOLKS AT HOME,

YOU CAN’T SEE THROUGH

THE WRINKLES,

BUT SHE IS VERY DISAPPOINTING.

VERY.

KISS NUMBER ONE,

WE’VE GOT A CLASSIC LADY

AND THE TRAMP SET UP.

THAT’S A DOG!

OH NO, IT IS HESITANT.

IT’S GOT TO GET THE TASTE

OUT OF ITS MOUTH, BUT-

IT MAKES ME WONDER IF ALL

DOGS REALLY GO TO HEAVEN.

NO, THEY DO NOT.

THAT’S PURGATORY.

OKAY, SO I’VE NEVER

TECHNICALLY KISSED ANYONE,

ALL RIGHT?

I’M JUST SAVING THEM

FOR MY FUTURE-

CURSE YOU, DEREK GREEN!

QUE BUENO!

DEREK GREEN.

ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT

WHAT HE’S DOING, SON?

IT WAS MY DAUGHTER, MALLORY.

SHE ASKED US FOR A

STOPWATCH FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

I NEVER SUSPECTED ANYTHING.

MY SON, MATT, STARTED HANGING

OUT WITH A NEW CROWD.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOOD KIDS,

BUT SOON HE STARTED WEARING

SHORT SHORTS AND T-SHIRTS

WITH BAD PUNS.

WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

RUNNY NOSE.

I KNOW.

EVERY YEAR, 13 MILLION

KIDS TRY DISTANCE RUNNING

FOR THE FIRST TIME,

UNAWARE THAT THEY’RE

BEGINNING A LIFE OF

CHAFING AND MALE

THIGH EXPOSURE.

ARE YOU DR. SCHULZ?

INDEED I AM.

YOU GUYS NEED SHOES?

YEAH.

BAM.

THESE RIGHT HERE,

TRY THOSE ON FOR SIZE, HUH?

WHAT’S THIS GONNA RUN US?

UH, 25.

GIVE IT TO HIM.

YEAH.

OUR SON, ADAM,

SAID IT WAS JUST A PARTY,

BUT WHEN WE WENT TO

GO CHECK ON HIM…

NO!

IT WAS A 5-K.

I HAVE NO SON.

HONEY, STOP.

I HAVE NO SON!

DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT

COMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!

[SOBBING]

ADAM!

YOU ARE LITERALLY BREAKING

YOUR MOTHER’S HEART.

SOON 5-K’S WEREN’T ENOUGH.

HE STARTED GETTING

INTO MARATHONS.

WHAT IS IT?

OKAY, HE JUST KEPT GETTING

MEDAL AFTER MEDAL AFTER MEDAL.

HIS NECK.

THERE’S SO MUCH WEIGHT.

IT JUST DRUG HIM DOWN.

EVERY DAY,

MORE AND MORE OF THESE

HOODLUMS ARE

RUNNING THE STREETS.

BUT WHAT ARE THEY RUNNING FROM?

WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO HIDE?

WE GOTTA GET BACK TO

TRADITIONAL VALUES

LIKE WALKING,

SITTING DOWN.

I SHOULD HAVE SEEN

THE WARNING SIGNS.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS

RUNNING IN PLACE A LOT,

AND HE USED GEL INSERTS.

I MEAN, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE

YOU FIND THAT KIND OF THING.

SUSPECT IS BEING CHARGED

WITH DISTANCE RUNNING,

RUNNER’S HIGH,

FREAKISH SCRAWNINESS-

HEY.

YOU KEEP QUIET.

BUT AS THE RUNNING

EPIDEMIC SPREADS,

PARENTS AND TEACHERS ARE

POWERLESS TO STOP IT.

WE TOOK AWAY HER

RUNNING SHOES,

HOPING SHE WOULD STOP,

AND THEN WE HEAR ABOUT THIS

THING CALLED BAREFOOT RUNNING.

IS THIS SOME SORT OF SICK JOKE?

I MEAN, WHERE DOES IT STOP?

PARENTS, TALK TO YOUR KIDS

ABOUT DISTANCE RUNNING.

HELP THEM FIND BETTER HOBBIES

LIKE VIDEO GAMES-

COULD YOU STOP IT

FOR ONE MINUTE, MATT?

NAPPING…

OR DIABETES.

IF YOU DON’T EAT YOUR DONUT,

YOU CAN’T HAVE BROCCOLI.

NO, DAD,

IT’S GONNA SLOW ME DOWN.

I’M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

IN EXTREME CASES,

SEEK MEDICAL HELP.

YOUR SON TESTED

POSITIVE FOR SHIN SPLINTS.

CHOP THE LEG.

CHOP THE LEG!

DISTANCE RUNNING:

IT’S A DANGEROUS

AND SLIPPERY SLOPE.

SOMETIMES A HEALTHY LIFE

IS WORSE THAN DEATH.

COME ON!

[SINISTER LAUGH]

IGOR, COME HERE!

NO, MASTER,

I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT

YOUR NEWEST EVIL CREATION, OKAY?

RELAX, IGOR.

I’M MERELY IMPROVING AN

OLD INVENTION: SPORTS.

OH, THOSE ARE ACTUALLY GOOD.

I’M MAKING THEM EVIL.

OKAY.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO

MAKE SPORTS EVIL?

I STARTED BY

CREATING A REFEREE.

OKAY, I GET IT.

NOW HE WAS KIND OF TRICKY.

HIS JOB IS TO RIG EVERY

GAME AGAINST BOTH TEAMS.

BUT THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE.

YES, BUT HE DOES IT.

I GAVE HIM THE EYESIGHT OF

A MOLE AND THE JUDGMENT

SKILLS OF U.S. CONGRESS.

BUT HE’LL NEVER

REMEMBER THE RULES.

WHY WOULD I TEACH

HIM THE RULES?

OH, HE’S GOING THE WRONG WAY.

BLESS HIS HEART.

SAD.

THIS ONE IS CALLED A FAN.

NOW HE SUFFERS FROM

TWO GREAT DELUSIONS:

FIRST, THAT HIS TEAM WILL

DO REALLY WELL THIS YEAR,

AND SECOND, THAT NO MATTER

WHERE HE IS IN THE STADIUM,

THE REF CAN HEAR HIM.

OH, HE’S GOING TO

BE SUPER ANNOYING.

DON’T WORRY.

I GAVE HIM A FOG HORN.

OKAY.

AH, AND THE BEST PART IS

HE’S SO OBSESSED WITH SPORTS

THAT HE’S NOT SPENDING ENOUGH

TIME WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND.

THEY’RE GOING TO END UP

LIKE MALONE AND STOCKTON:

LOTS OF CHEMISTRY

BUT STILL NO RING.

THAT WAS REALLY MEAN.

YOU’RE RIGHT, TOO FAR, YES.

BUT I’M JUST GETTING STARTED.

IF HE EVER DOES GET MARRIED,

HE’LL SUFFER EVEN MORE ONCE

HIS KIDS ARE IN LITTLE LEAGUE.

ON THE ONE HAND,

LITTLE LEAGUE GAMES

ARE SUPER BORING,

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

THEY TAKE UP HIS

WHOLE SATURDAY.

WHY ARE BOTH YOUR

HANDS ALWAYS EVIL?

NOT AS EVIL AS WHAT I

HAVE IN STORE FOR ATHLETES.

FOR THEM, I’VE INVENTED

ALL KINDS OF SPORTS,

EACH DEPRESSING

IN ITS OWN WAY.

FOR EXAMPLE,

WE HAVE TACKLING SPORTS

AND BODY CHECKING SPORTS

AND, OH, FAKE SPORTS.

WELL, AT LEAST

SPORTS ARE EXCITING-

OH, TOUCHÉ.

AND THINGS ARE EVEN WORSE

FOR OLYMPIC ATHLETES.

OH YES.

WELL, NO.

PEOPLE LOVE OLYMPIANS.

DO THEY, IGOR?

DO THEY?

YES.

BEING AN OLYMPIAN IS LIKE

LIVING IN IOWA OR NEW HAMPSHIRE.

EVERY FOUR YEARS YOU GET

ATTENTION AND THE REST OF

THE TIME NOBODY CARES.

NO, NO, SPORTS

ARE INSPIRATIONAL.

NO, SPORTS ARE CONFUSING,

OR AT LEAST THEY WILL BE

ONCE MY FILMMAKERS ARE

DONE WITH THEM.

SPORTS AND FILMS

SHOULD NEVER MAKE SENSE.

WHY ELSE DO YOU THINK

SIX PEOPLE CHASE THE

QUAFFLE WHEN THE SNITCH

WINS EVERY GAME?

OR WHY NOTRE DAME PUT A

HOBBIT AT DEFENSIVE END?

AND DO PEOPLE REALLY BELIEVE

THAT THE 1980 U.S. OLYMPIC

HOCKEY TEAM BEAT THE SOVIETS?

THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

OH REALLY?

KUDOS TO THEM.

EVEN SO, YOU ARE

DESTROYING SPORTS.

YES, IGOR.

GET READY FOR A WORLD

OF EAR-BITING BOXERS,

CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE MASCOTS,

AND A WORLD SERIES WITHOUT

THE PART OF THE WORLD THAT’S

GOOD AT BASEBALL.

SOON ALL MANKIND WILL SUFFER!

NO, NO, NO,

NOT THE SCRAWNY

NON-ATHLETIC PEOPLE.

YOU’LL NEVER SUCK

THEM INTO SPORTS.

WON’T I?

HEY, GUYS.

HOW’D YOU LIKE THOSE VIDEOS?

[CHUCKLES]

GAVE YOU EVERYTHING

WE PROMISED.

YEAH.

AND MORE.

AND MORE.

MUCH MORE.

SO NOW LIKE, SUBSCRIBE.

WE’VE GOT A LOT MORE OF THESE

COMPILATIONS COMING OUT.

COMPILATION PARTY.

PARTY!

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